


lost to the wind

by dorenamryn



Series: Cloak And Dagger [2]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Anakin Skywalker Doesn't Turn to the Dark Side, Angst, Crying, Feelings, M/M, Mentioned Sheev Palpatine | Darth Sidious, Pain, Poor Anakin, Poor Obi-Wan, Regrets, Sorry Not Sorry, Suffering, Suitless Vader, literally every work i've written is tagged with angst, the both of them deserve so much better
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-14
Updated: 2017-04-14
Packaged: 2018-10-18 06:37:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,130
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10611297
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dorenamryn/pseuds/dorenamryn
Summary: In which Obi-Wan Kenobi tries desperately to pretend that everything is going to be alright, and Anakin Skywalker tries not to fall apart. They both soon realize that their efforts are futile.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Note: This work is part of my ongoing au series, Cloak and Dagger, so while this work can be read on its own, it is highly recommended that you read the preceding piece(s). Other than that, hope you enjoy!
> 
> Also, this work is partially inspired by [this post](http://vortexoftime.tumblr.com/post/157549457394/okay-but-what-if-for-the-obi-wan-film-that-is) that I made on tumblr a few months ago and I'd just like to give out a quick thank you to all the lovely folks who reblogged with kind words. This fic wouldn't have happened without you!

Obi-Wan Kenobi stood beside Anakin. The younger man was smiling as he gazed upon the younglings practicing their lightsaber katas beneath the balcony the two of them were standing on. Obi-Wan hummed, content, as a small twi’lek girl overstepped and stumbled. Anakin’s eyes twinkled when he nodded his approval at the little girl’s quick recovery.

“Are you spying for a padawan, former padawan mine?” Obi-Wan asked teasingly, filing away Anakin’s indignant huff to remember later.

“Ahsoka’s just been knighted, oh former master mine,” Anakin replied, imitating Obi-Wan’s teasing tone. “I think I’ll take some time for myself before committing to another little menace.”

“Mmhm,” Obi-Wan hummed contentedly, rolling his eyes. “Our padawan was not a menace. If anyone was a menace during their apprenticeship, it was _you_.”

Anakin huffed again and shook his head at Obi-Wan before patting his shoulder gently. The Force thrummed with an immeasurable light when Obi-Wan smiled in return.

“You give me too much credit, old man,” Anakin said, his voice adding perfectly to their friendly camaraderie. “I had to learn my ways from someone.”

And then, Obi-Wan really did laugh. Through squinting eyes, he could see Anakin desperately trying to keep himself from laughing also.

“Come now, Anakin,” Obi-Wan started once he composed himself. “Let’s take a walk.”

“Whatever you want, Obi-Wan,” Anakin responded lightly, easily falling into step beside Obi-Wan as he began walking away from the balcony.

The halls of the Temple were silent, much like they should be at this time of day. Anakin and Obi-Wan made their way through the hallways with gentle commentary, as they were accustomed to. Partway through, Anakin began to babble about the new speeder model that the Jedi had recently obtained (“Thankfully, Master Windu _did_ take my advice and didn’t order the other model, which was absolute poodoo, for the record.”), and Obi-Wan simply listened, a gentle smile upon his lips as he watched Anakin talk passionately about mechanics. He put a word in here and there, and every time Anakin looked down on him with that warm grin of his, Obi-Wan wished that he could live in the moment forever.

A group of senior Padawans ahead bowed their heads slightly in respect as they walked past, their arms full of data pads.  
  
“Master Nu’s got their hands full, it seems,” Anakin said amiably, to which Obi-Wan grinned.

“Remember how you loved doing projects for Master Nu?” Obi-Wan asked, looking up at the younger man as he laughed. Something strange tugged at Obi-Wan’s heart, but he ignored it and simply focused on Anakin and this moment, and the way the light of the sun bounced off Anakin’s golden curls and made his face seem like it was glowing.

They reached the Room of a Thousand Fountains then, the door quietly opening for them. Anakin’s eyes lit up, and Obi-Wan was thrown back in time to when Anakin first entered this room, the same fascinated glint in his eyes. As they walked in further, the Force shone, and when Anakin looked down at him again, he was ethereal, both in body and in spirit, so _bright_ that Obi-Wan almost had to look away as not to be blinded by the pure light that surrounded Anakin, protected him like a shield against darkness.

He closed his eyes, just for a moment, to savour the feeling. When he opened them, Anakin was looking up at the fountains, a gentle smile splayed across his features. The setting sun bore down upon them, basking the room in a soft, warm glow.

Anakin turned to look further left, his back now facing Obi-Wan. The light cascading from his presence in the Force seemed so _pure_ and so _Anakin_ in that moment that Obi-Wan wanted to take it somewhere far away and protect it with his very being, because this was Anakin and he’d do _anything_ for him and he was the only person that mattered.

Anakin turned back then, slowly, the soft, gentle smile still upon his lips.

“You are strong and wise, Anakin, and I am very proud of you,” Obi-Wan heard himself say. “I have taught you everything I know, and you have become a far greater Jedi than I could ever hope to be.”

“You give yourself too little credit, old friend,” Anakin replied, his voice warm and kind and _home_. “You are the model Jedi, Obi-Wan. Everything I am, it is thanks to you.”

For a beat, it was still, the soft light upon Anakin’s hair, the gentle sound of the fountains, and then, he wrapped his arms around Anakin, Anakin’s own hands resting on Obi-Wan’s back. He could feel Anakin’s face pressed against his neck, those soft golden curls right there within arms’ reach. And the Force, _oh_ , the Force was singing. Obi-Wan made sure to sear the moment into his heart and mind so that he would never, _ever_ forget the beautiful, euphoric feeling.

They stayed like that for a while, neither of them speaking, simply holding each other because Force, they made it, they were alive and they were together and they were hap—

The room went red. The sun had set. The gentle light from a moment ago turned from a soft gold to a deep crimson, submerging the room in darkness. Anakin pulled back, his face turned down, and Obi-Wan could have sworn the ground was trembling. Anakin fell to his knees, burying his face in his hands in front of Obi-Wan. Obi-Wan, startled, knelt down beside the other man.

“Anakin?” He asked worriedly. “Anakin, are you alright?”

He placed a gentle hand on his friend’s shoulder, only to have it hit away. The temperature of the room dropped several degrees.

“It’s all your fault, Obi-Wan,” said Anakin, his words as cold as ice. The light was fully gone now, the darkness right there to take its place. Obi-Wan felt as if he were suffocating. The trembling of the ground that he’d sworn he had been feeling increased tenfold. He was tossed to the ground as it began to shake in earnest, a crack suddenly opening up between himself and Anakin.

“Anakin!” He shouted, reaching out for the other man as the crack between them widened. The fountains shone red and suddenly Obi-Wan realized that the water flowing out of them wasn’t really water. It was lava, hot and red and burning, the acrid smoke suddenly making its way intohis lungs, and Obi-Wan froze in horror as Anakin finally raised his head. His eyes were the opposite of what they should have been. Instead of a bright, clear blue, they glowed a sickly yellow, reflecting orange from the light of the lava, spitting sparks below them, burning hot and angry.

“You couldn’t protect me,” Anakin seethed from across the crevice as the lava flowed closer. “I hate you!”

And then Obi-Wan watched in dazed horror as Anakin’s robes lit up, the lava finally reaching him. He screamed, loud and frightened and in pain, and Obi-Wan’s heart wrenched as hot ash blurred his vision and he tried to stand but couldn’t, frozen in place as Anakin was swallowed whole by the fire, his Sith yellow eyes boring into Obi-Wan’s very soul as he tried to say _something, anything_ —

Obi-Wan jolted awake, his face slightly wet with salty tears. His chest heaved as he wildly tried to calm his erratic breathing.

As his breaths slowed, he took his face in his hands and let out a sob. The tears continued to fall as Obi-Wan cried, alone amidst the dark of the Tatooine night.

He wasn’t okay. He wanted Anakin back. If he could have anything in the whole galaxy, Anakin would be the one thing he would wish for. Not the Jedi Order, not peace, not safety. Just Anakin, as he had been before everything fell apart.

He sobbed again as he tried to hold on to the memory of Anakin’s golden curls and the way his eyes shone when he looked at Obi-Wan. He tried as hard he could to remember how soft Anakin’s hands had been, once, before the war, soft and smooth and not stained by blood and engine grease. He tried to recall the friendly teasing, the seemingly-endless smiles and grins and laughter and happiness—

And he cried. Cried and cried and cried, for he was alone and Anakin was gone and he was never coming back. He tried to forget Anakin’s sickly yellow eyes as they bore down on him, his own deathly grip on his lightsaber when they fought, the taste of ash in his mouth as Anakin started screaming on the bank— He couldn’t. Try as hard as he might, he could never forget, and it would haunt him for the rest of his days. He looked back upon it all now, and wished with his entire being that he’d told Anakin that he loved him. Would it have made a difference? Even if it hadn’t, even if everything would’ve turned out the same, that was still one of Obi-Wan’s biggest regrets. _Oh Force, why hadn’t he told Anakin that he loved him?_

Obi-Wan sat there, his face in his hands, tears falling, wishing for a man who was set on a path worse than death, until the twin suns of Tatooine rose and he was reminded of his mission.

Anakin’s son.

In that moment, he promised himself that if he ever had the chance, he would save Anakin, even if it were the last thing he ever did. And so, as the light of Tatooine’s suns made their way into Obi-Wan’s small hut, he held the fragments of Anakin close and tried to ward the darkness away.

* * *

 

“What is thy bidding, my Master?”

The hologram of Sidious nodded under his hood, and Anakin grit his teeth underneath his helmet. The darkness around him grew, but Anakin sheltered the light inside of him, pulling the Force to guard his mind and strengthening his shields.

“You are to go to Ryloth, and you are to show them that the Empire shows no mercy,” said Sidious slowly, and Anakin could feel the Sith’s eyes piercing his helmet. “Do you understand, Lord Vader? I want them decimated.”

“It will be done, my Master,” replied Vader. Anakin tried not let his vehemence against the order show in his voice. It wouldn’t, of course, for the vocoder in the helmet did all that for him.

“Good, good,” nodded Sidious. “You are to contact me when you are finished. I have another assignment for you.”

“Yes, my Master,” replied Vader.

The hologram shut off, and Anakin breathed. _In, out, in, out_. It had been a year since he’d been let out of the medical centre for the first time, a year since he’d donned the helmet. It had been a few months since he’d contacted Yoda. It was soon time to contact him again.

Anakin rose after a few moments and left the room, his cape billowing behind him as he forced his feet to move, forced his lungs to take in air. It wasn’t as if this was the first time that he was commanded to bombard a planet, no. Ryloth, however, was a special case. It was the first planet that he had helped before, during the Clone Wars. Going there to ruin it would be like undoing all the work that he’d done to protect it. The people of Ryloth had always respected the Jedi. They weren’t going to know that it was him, of course. They would think that it was Darth Vader wreaking havoc on their land, not Anakin Skywalker, for in their eyes, Anakin Skywalker had been dead for years now.

But Anakin was alive, and he couldn’t help but wonder what the people that he’d fought with would think if they knew that it was Anakin Skywalker underneath that mask. _What Obi-Wan would think of him?_  his traitorous mind asked. And then, he was suffocating. He tried to prevent himself from running back to his quarters and slowed his already-alarming pace. _My name is Anakin Skywalker, I am a Jedi Knight_ ,  _My name is Anakin Skywalker, I am a Jedi Knight._  

Once he had made it back to his quarters, however, his mask of pretence fell and Anakin shoved off the helmet, suddenly leaning over and taking in big gulps of air. His lungs burned, and his heart was wrapped in an ice-cold vice.

_I want them decimated_ , Sidious had said. Anakin already had so much blood on his hands. _So much_. How could he ever be forgiven? He’d killed so many people, torn apart so many families. He was a monster. He didn’t deserve Obi-Wan. He’d failed. _Failed, failed, failed_.

But this was his mission, wasn’t it? To pretend that he was a Sith Lord, to pretend that this was him so that Sidious wouldn’t suspect a thing. Master Yoda had told him that. He and Mace had made it very clear.

The line of pretence was very thin, Anakin had quickly realized, and sometimes, very late at night, particularly after a gruelling battle, Anakin was afraid that he didn’t know where Anakin ended and Vader began.

Yet, without him, the Jedi Order would be dead. All those younglings, all those Padawans and Knights, would be dead.

Sidious would have won had Anakin fallen, Anakin knew. So, he could never regret doing the right thing. Not when the fate of the entire galaxy was at stake.

However, when it was dark and the rest of the ship was fast asleep, he only wished that he had told Obi-Wan that he loved him. Just once, and it would have been enough.

He remembered now, when he felt Obi-Wan sever their bond. He knew, in some way, that it was coming. Obi-Wan hated him, and rightly so. For Obi-Wan, he had destroyed everything.

Anakin had been on the bridge when a sudden headache overcame him. He’d had to excuse himself and had barely managed to make it back to his quarters without falling over, but when the door slid shut, though, Anakin had keeled, his breaths coming harsh and fast, and while he couldn’t immediately pinpoint what the problem was, when he looked into his own mind, he’d felt it a thousandfold. That bond, the last thing that Anakin had still, millions upon millions of strands of golden light connecting him to Obi-Wan, slowly being snipped away.

And the _pain_ , the pain had been unimaginable. It was like hundreds of knives piercing his skull, a million shadows eating away at his very _soul_ , those tiny strands of golden light falling and dimming around him. The panic had kicked in then, and Anakin had tried desperately to pick up those little strands, connect them somehow, but Obi-Wan had been blocking him out with shields of durasteel, and there was a feeling of endless despair when he had realized that there was nothing he could do but kneel there in his own mind and hold his head in his hands and scream as he watched the strands fall around him, the pieces of his heart floating just above reach, hundreds of memories assaulting his mind’s eye.

In reality, Anakin had shed the mask and helmet and left them lying as far as they could be, while he pushed himself into a corner and attempted to become as small as physically possible, torrents of tears making their way down his face as he sobbed and pulled at his hair to try and dull the pain with no success. His head was pounding, the beautiful golden strands falling dark at his feet. He gathered them up in his hands, his tears falling, the Force in mourning around him.

In the present, Anakin lay in his bed, wide awake, knowing that they would soon reach Ryloth. He looked upon the tattered remains of his and Obi-Wan’s bond and caressed them gently, as if his will alone would bring it back to what it used to be, but he knew, it was futile, for the damage had been done long ago.

He wished again that he’d told Obi-Wan he loved him.

Hours later, Darth Vader stood at the helm of a Star Destroyer, his arms clasped behind his back as he watched the small vessels fly towards the planet surface, the contents deadly.

Anakin Skywalker was still as stone, frozen. It was inevitable, he knew. There was only so much time until worlds began to rebel, much like in the Clone Wars, when the Separatists began seizing planets by force.

Officers walked behind him carrying datapads with various instructions. The techs sat in their seats monitoring the descent of the shuttles. And still, Anakin stood still. He could feel the cold seeping into his heart, the weight of what had to be done settling into his bones. An officer approached Vader.

“The ships are in position, my lord,” he stated calmly. Anakin didn’t feel anything.

“Fire at will,” Vader said.

And so, the surface of Ryloth was lit up with dozens of flames like fireworks, and Anakin felt nothing. He couldn’t. He forced himself to watch, forced the cold to grip his heart so that he wouldn’t feel the pain of the people on the ground, the shockwaves in the Force. He closed himself off so that he would stay sane. Vader looked forward.

And then, it was over. The world was muted, blurred, as he turned and walked from the bridge. Anakin could feel his heart pounding against his ribcage, every step and every breath, and all of it growing more difficult by the second. He tried as hard as he could to prevent himself from swaying as he walked, ignored the urge to brace himself against a wall in front of the men who served him, so he marched ahead through the halls, his head held high, his turmoil only his own.

But when the door to his quarters closed behind him, his carefully-built disguise of strength finally shattered and he sagged against the wall and flung the mask away from him. Slowly, his body slid to the ground and he began to shake, his hands gripping his head as he heaved, silent sobs wracking his body.

Millions dead on Ryloth, and it was his doing. It had been his words that had sealed the fate of the people of the planet below. It was _all his fault_.

He held his face in his hands as the after-shocks in the Force crashed against his mind, and it were in moments like these when Anakin wished that everything could just _stop_ and he could finally have at least a semblance of peace.

It didn’t stop, however, and Anakin’s pain only grew. Somewhere deep in his mind, he wished that Obi-Wan were here.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Hit up my [tumblr](https://vortexoftime.tumblr.com) for more obikin tears and check out the [tumblr tag](https://vortexoftime.tumblr.com/tagged/cloak-and-dagger) for this series for extra content! Also if you leave a comment it would absolutely make my day 1000x better. It only takes a minute.


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